Thoughts That I Just Can't Get Out of My Head

While I was sorting through some papers today, I came across a notebook I had written in almost exactly a year ago today. The simple paragraph wasn't meant to be a diary entry. It was just some thoughts that I had written down so that when I made a scrapbook page, I would have some journaling to go with the pictures.

You see, we had just returned from a family vacation to Disney World and apparently, I was very cheerful about the time we spent in the happiest place on earth. Here's what I wrote:

I'm so glad Rick and I decided to make Disney World happen this year. I know that we didn't have a lot of time to plan and that we probably should have save our money, but it was worth it. David and Lauren had such a great time, and I feel like it was the best Christmas present ever. I can't wait until we can all go back again... Although, I wouldn't mind bringing along a babysitter.

I know that this all seems very happy and routine, and a year ago, I certainly thought it was. But when I read it know, all I can think about it how little I really knew about what was going on in my own life.

I just can't seem to get past the fact that within days of our family's return from Disney, my husband was secretly calling a woman he had met online.

I don't know how long Rick had been chatting with Brandy on myspace, or IMing her at work, because I didn't even know he had a myspace account until much, much later. I don't know for sure that he hadn't been calling her since before last January, but after everything went down, I carefully went through Rick's cellphone records. The first call that I know occurred on his cell phone was only a couple days after we returned from vacation.

My guess is that little more than casual flirting was going on during these first few calls. They clearly knew that they meant for something to eventually happen, because they went to the trouble of hiding their new 'friendship' from their respective spouses. But, still, it seems that it was a few more weeks before they met in person for the first time

So why is this minor detail of a first phone call so important? It isn't, really. It's just a thought that's stuck in my head and refuses to go away.

I think that part of what bothers me is that things seem very good in my life right now. But, they seemed pretty good this time last year, too. I'm afraid to let myself feel comfortable in my own life, because I've been so wrong before.

I'm still putting myself back together, piece by piece trying to regain a bit of who I used to be. My heart is fragile, and if it breaks again, I doubt that it will be possible for it to be repaired.