So How Did It All Begin

Clearly, infidelity doesn't begin with a phone call, or a meeting on a website. Something has to be going on before this to put two people, both of whom have a lot to lose if they are caught, into the precarious situation of an affair.

So what were the precipitating factors that put my marriage into that position? This is a question that has bothered me nearly every day for the last 8 months. Let's go way, way back to the beginning of our relationship, and see if we can figure out where we took a wrong turn.

Rick and I met at work when I was only 18 and he was 24. Despite my young age, I was a fairly mature girl, I lived in my own apartment and I worked two jobs. I was very happy and busy with my life, and I didn't really want to get involved with anyone.

Rick was in a similar situation. He had moved a few hundred miles away from his family to take this job, and he was focusing on the next step he wanted to take in his career. He was very busy with work and his obsessive passion as a volunteer firefighter. He says that he was happy with his life, and he really didn't want to take on the added time commitment of getting involved with anyone.

Rick and I really did become friends first. We spent a lot of time together at work, and started to spend some time together away from work as well. We got to hang out sort of as buddies, without having to worry about all the mind games and pressures of dating.

We were very comfortable with each other. We would lean against each other to watch TV, and had no issues with putting our feet in the other persons lap. Then one night, I was at his apartment and fell asleep on the couch while we were watching TV. I was leaning against Rick, almost cuddling, and I woke up to the very definite change from him snuggling to him trying to feel me up.

Instead of being upset by this turn of events, in a way I was very flattered. I was very confident in who I was at that point in my life, and it felt nice to be wanted. We let our relationship morph slightly more into the physical while all the time expressing our desire not to become romantic, and just to be friends.

I spent the next week or so listening very carefully at work for even the slightest hint of gossip. I wanted to be sure that he wasn't saying anything about me. I wanted to be certain that I could trust him.

It seemed I could. I thought long and hard, and decided that I was in the perfect situation. My life was full and happy. I had a great, trustworthy friend who didn't want a relationship anymore than I did, and I was ready to move into a new chapter of my life.

It was time to lose my virginity.

Thoughts That I Just Can't Get Out of My Head

While I was sorting through some papers today, I came across a notebook I had written in almost exactly a year ago today. The simple paragraph wasn't meant to be a diary entry. It was just some thoughts that I had written down so that when I made a scrapbook page, I would have some journaling to go with the pictures.

You see, we had just returned from a family vacation to Disney World and apparently, I was very cheerful about the time we spent in the happiest place on earth. Here's what I wrote:

I'm so glad Rick and I decided to make Disney World happen this year. I know that we didn't have a lot of time to plan and that we probably should have save our money, but it was worth it. David and Lauren had such a great time, and I feel like it was the best Christmas present ever. I can't wait until we can all go back again... Although, I wouldn't mind bringing along a babysitter.

I know that this all seems very happy and routine, and a year ago, I certainly thought it was. But when I read it know, all I can think about it how little I really knew about what was going on in my own life.

I just can't seem to get past the fact that within days of our family's return from Disney, my husband was secretly calling a woman he had met online.

I don't know how long Rick had been chatting with Brandy on myspace, or IMing her at work, because I didn't even know he had a myspace account until much, much later. I don't know for sure that he hadn't been calling her since before last January, but after everything went down, I carefully went through Rick's cellphone records. The first call that I know occurred on his cell phone was only a couple days after we returned from vacation.

My guess is that little more than casual flirting was going on during these first few calls. They clearly knew that they meant for something to eventually happen, because they went to the trouble of hiding their new 'friendship' from their respective spouses. But, still, it seems that it was a few more weeks before they met in person for the first time

So why is this minor detail of a first phone call so important? It isn't, really. It's just a thought that's stuck in my head and refuses to go away.

I think that part of what bothers me is that things seem very good in my life right now. But, they seemed pretty good this time last year, too. I'm afraid to let myself feel comfortable in my own life, because I've been so wrong before.

I'm still putting myself back together, piece by piece trying to regain a bit of who I used to be. My heart is fragile, and if it breaks again, I doubt that it will be possible for it to be repaired.